How to Encourage Independent Play
There are many factors that contribute to a child’s ability to play independently.
This is something that is important for the child as much as it is important for the parent. Play is a child’s opportunity to process their experiences and It is how they communicate, process, rationalise, problem solve and make sense of their internal worlds.
For us as parents, space from our children is healthy and needed. When our children engage in independent play it allows us to complete tasks or chores without overwhelm or to have space to fill our cups which allows us to parent with renewed sense of calm when our children return to our presence.
SET UP THE PLAYSPACE
Provide your child with passive, open ended toys where the child needs to ‘work’ and activate their imaginations in order for the play to be fulfilling. This is opposed to providing toys that ‘play for the child’ – such as toys that play a song or licensed character toys.
Ensure that the toys in the play space are age appropriate. The child needs to be able to use and manipulate the toys by themselves and not depend on the help of an adult to put something together for them. This breaks the flow of play for the child but also reinforces that they need our help in order to be able to play.
Be mindful of things within your environment that might overwhelm the child. This could include screens within the play space that can be distracting for a child when they are playing. This also means considering the content of the playspace, ensuring it is simple, toys are easily seen and limiting the options available.
A play space that is close to our physical presence works best. It is unlikely that children will willingly play in a room completely separate from the rest of the house. They are biologically wired to want to be within the safety of our physical presence. A play space that is open to the rest of the house, or in a location where we are easily accessible, best supports independent play.
Toy rotations are a great way to reignite play with toys you already own and meet specific interests and developmental schemas as this changes for a child over time.
For more tips on curating a playspace, read this blog.
ENCOURAGING PLAY
Be mindful not to initiate the child’s play for them. When we are invited to play with our children, we should follow their instructions and directive for what the play should look like. There are obviously exceptions for unsafe behaviours but for the most part, the child initiates the play and we are passive in this process. This builds autonomy and supports the child to believe that play is their work and a domain in their life in which they have power and creative freedom.
A child plays best without our direct supervision and interruption. When we observe our children in a deep state of flow within their play we must be mindful not to disrupt them but also not to praise their play with words like “that looks so good” or “you are playing so well” – instead remain neutral and if anything, comment on the effort or ask questions such as “oh you built that all by yourself” or “tell me about what you have created” and only if or when the child has approached you to show you their play.
ADJUST OUR EXPECTATIONS
It is developmentally appropriate for children to have a shorter attention span to us as adults. Typically, a child’s attention span will be*:
- 2 years old: four to six minutes
- 4 years old: eight to 12 minutes
- 6 years old: 12 to 18 minutes
- 8 years old: 16 to 24 minutes
- 10 years old: 20 to 30 minutes
- 12 years old: 24 to 36 minutes
- 14 years old: 28 to 42 minutes
- 16 years old: 32 to 48 minutes
We can extend this through mindfully curating a playspace that meets a child’s developmental needs/schemas and interests. But we must be mindful that periods of independent play will most likely be small pockets of time across the course of the day.
Another consideration is how we speak about play in your home. It is important to remain neutral when encouraging our children to play. We don’t want to associate negative of difficult emotions with play such as when we tell our children to “go and play” with a tone that reflects our frustration. When encouraging play, we can do so in a tone that is free from carrying any emotions with it which builds a child’s internal motivation to do what they are intrinsically born to seek anyway.
Top tips to encourage creative and imaginary play:
remove entertainment devices (create a culture that will uphold your desire for your children to be creative. Boundaries are necessary, so don’t have electronic devices in bedrooms, or over clutter a room with toys)
clear the space- either inside or outside. If you are not venturing outdoors in all weathers, then start doing so. Nature is ever-changing and a space for freedom of movement, thought and expression
remove distractions- allow for open ended play with toys that don’t function in only one way
don’t rush the play- make sure children have lots of undisturbed time to play
Be careful that ‘information’ about a subject of interest doesn’t cloud or stifle creativity. Sometimes too much knowledge doesn’t allow children to make up their own facts, ideas, stories and play. (It is easy to fall into the trap of buying books, sets, toys that indulge a particular interest, such as dinosaurs and gives fact to how it functions in the real, adult world rather than how it could function in a child-minded, imaginary world)
Make sure there is time for unstructured play and this may include some bored time too, children need to be trained how to use this time, if they are used to play that will only work one way or activities that take decision making out of their own hands. Create time for tv, games, playgrounds, structured outcome-play and create time for choice play. You could even call it that.
You will need to practise engaged, free-flow play and that this kind of play is completely ok- there doesn’t have to be a set outcome for everything. Pretend play and follow your child’s lead. Never take over from your child or undermine the play they are creating. Play is how children process the world and sometimes this comes across as strange or silly. As long as the play is safe, go with it. This isn’t a time for you to become self-conscious, so carve out time that is appropriate for both your child to play and for you to play alongside them.
Don’t force your child to play if they are not comfortable to. Play should always be about choice. In certain company, your child may feel more comfortable to play a game that has certain outcomes: a winner, rules of play. Creative play should come from a place of safety, both physically and emotionally.
Make sure you step away from the play- encourage your child to play independendently without an audience or interference. Unsupervised play is about setting up an environment that you know your child will be safe in and teaching them about staying safe in their play, so that they do not need to be watched all the time.
Find like-minded families whose children play in the same way and who may be better at it than you and yours.
Creative play won’t just happen without your guidance, support and engagement, especially in the beginning. You may need to think ahead of what the play could start out as, for it then to take its own shape based on your child and their involvement (what could the beach become? the bench? the duvet?) Invent scenarios where your child can be certain characters or in places of interest (visits to farms, zoos, parks, the doctors can all be fuel for imaginery play. Take your child to unfamiliar places to observe and experience different cultures), bring animals, puppets, dolls etc. into the play. Give space for your child to move the play into art activities such as painting, sticking, clay etc
Don’t force your own childhood nostalgia and how you used to creative play onto your child. I remember my mum was the troll under the bridge and I used to love playing with her this way, but just because it worked for me, doesn’t mean my children will enjoy this play and that needs to be okay for me. Of course the play could start out this way, because this is what I know and it could work really well because I loved it as a child, but it doesn’t have to stay as what I knew and how I enjoyed to play.
Don’t be tempted to ‘parent’ during this play time. This is not teaching play, this needs to be comfortable, inhibition-free, relaxed play. There is a time to teach about sharing, winning, losing, morals etc. and I would suggest this is not it.
Ask questions that motivate the play it so for example, you might ask “Where are you going today?” “Who are you today?” “What might happen if….”
Tell stories without the formal book in hand approach. Make up silly stories in the car or use prompts like story stones or picture cards, telling, re-telling, use your child as a character in the story to portal them into a world of change and possibility. This hopefully will rub off on their play.
Bring in objects that have no set purpose, like a cardboard box or an old sheet. There are no rules in creative play (other than personal safety), so make sure that you are not inhibiting play with only presenting your child with stimulus that must be looked after. Put together a box of random objects that could be used in any which way, once or many times.
Allow the play to be multi-sensory, touch, taste, sight, smell, sound are all stimulating aspects to play.
Be the ‘holder’ or the ‘protector’ of this time. There is a great phrase that’s used ‘holding the space’ or ‘keeper of the keys’ which always makes me think of Hagrid being the ground keeper at Hogwarts! Anyway, what I mean by this is that you have the oversight of an adult to protect the play as you and your child would intend it to be. For example, you know your and your child’s schedule for the day and can help steer your child into or away from playtime depending on your commitments. You can organise your child’s play space, making things accessible for them without controlling it to within an inch of its existence and you can also demonstrate that less is more, by not giving your child access to every toy and every stimulus (open ended or otherwise) at any one time.
Model this time as ‘down’ time for you as much as for your children. Play for children is akin to self-care, they need play to unwind, process and let go. Play is also a way for children to create and control their space for a time. You need to model down time for yourself, no-schedule, no time limit, no tv, no phone, but maybe a book or magazine, an activity that transports you as much as play transports your child. Art&crafts can be an excellent hobby because if you allow it, the art can be open-ended and not outcome driven.
Praise the effort over outcome. Say things like “I really liked how long you played today. I could see you were having lots of fun.” Observe the journey of the play and reiterate it back to the child. “You made the sheet into a cave and then you…..”
“You thought about what you could use X for and then…..” Celebrate the moment.
Bring the play into other aspects of the day, like meal times- set the meal up like a cafe or a picnic with teddy bears or bath time as a water adventure!
As your child gets older, allow them to set their own bar for risk. Guide them with ways that they can keep themselves safe and acknowledge their successes.
Model self-care all the time.